choco dino

7 july @ 1655

2008-07-07T01:14:00.000-07:00

had an inspiration. Just a poem.

When the Time Comes

When the time comes,
the sun will set,
the night will fall.
You; I still won't forget.

When the time comes,
I'll breathe your air,
I'll sing your song.
I'll give my care.

When the time comes,
I'll stand by you.
I'll think of you.
I'll just want you.

Has the time came?
Has the moment arrived?

Will you wait for me?
I'll wait and see.

There's something you don't know.
I haven't let you go.

1 july @ 0900AM

2008-06-30T17:44:00.000-07:00

ok.. now i noe why rj pple do so well.. should see their prelim paper. crazy shit.
i dont think A level will come up even half the standard, but no point taking risks right?
their papers make damn good practice...
did the physics paper and was like blown away by the questions. nj papers are just tedious and need to be careful in calculations that kind. rj papers make you really think. they may you wonder whether you actually got your basics right or not.
woah.

We all want to do well.... don't we?
Blatant disposal of every academic arsenal.
That's ok I guess.
Until it degrades to underhand tactics.

What a cruel world.
"It's ok as long as it doesn't happen to me."
The ignorance mentality.
Works till it actually happens to you.
Then the whole concept crumbles underneath.

Nobody actually cares anymore.

mug mug mug

thats the name of the game.

hmm...

2008-06-26T20:08:00.000-07:00

Understanding more and more... Perhaps truly a time will come for it. Things happen because of a preconceived plan for it all to happen. While we determine the course of how things should happen, there is this culmination of actions in whatever we do that leads to the future already at the very least, being laid out there. It merely takes us to continue stepping forward.

The mind is willing;
but the body is weak...

I got the perfect example.
My mind says: I need to mug
My body says: Crazy!

Guess what...
I fell sick again.
Just the thing I need...

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt,but only more love.

26 JUNE 1245PM

2008-06-25T21:23:00.000-07:00

For these past few days... I just wished I could isolate myself from reality. Is there really a need to go on, to continue? Happiness is not what it's been defined like last time. How I appreciated the past when it came, and now... how I dearly miss it. I just want to go back there. I thought... everything was as perfect as it could be. But now, it seems, everything is slowing shattering into pieces. Slowly, but surely.Still, I've gotta act as if everything is alright, as if it's all fine and dandy. It's a difficult job. But somebody's gotta do it. Where's the support when I need it? Where's the help when I want it? Everybody seems so distant. Or maybe... It's just me distancing myself. I think so. I don't think the people I know are pushing themselves away from me. I think I'm just killing myself from the inside.

Life is Hard. But here's what I say, How hard must it get? Does it always have to keep on getting harder? Day by day, night by night, thoughts just keep on piling up. Problems compounded, solutions dissipated.

I remembered I did say I just wished I could do magic. Yes... Now I wish its the time. Could anything get worse? Or is this suppose to be the time where something miraculous happens and then I want to get on with life all over again?

The thing is, I haven't even been having enough time to be able to pen all this down. It's been too much to handle, too little time on hand. I don't want to burden others. I don't want to bother others. MY PROBLEMS are FOR ME to solve. My stuffs are for me to settle. But still, I have my limits. There are only so much I can do.

things must change. I accept that. And I will work with it. I will work with circumstances thrown at me. I will stand ground and not sway. I will give my best to resist what I can. But hereafter, when all my energy is sapped, then watch inevitably, as I eventually fall.

Yup... I should have updated about Physics. But never mind. Here it is.
Physics.
MCQ.
Crazy paper. all so tedious working needed. Arghh.... I tikammed like... 13 questions out of 40. Bleahh. Don't know then just shade 'C'. Die lahh..

Paper 2.
I thought it's more doable. To me, it made up abit for the difficulty of MCQ.

Chem

To sum it up nicely, it's not the never-study-then-difficult kind of paper, it's the I-thought-I-studied-but-then-still-difficult kind of paper.
So frustrating can?
Like out of nowhere somewhere come out... "What is a tertiary protein?"
Win liaoz.... Of all the chem revision I did this hols, I swear I never so much as opened that part of the nitrogen compound organic chemistry page. What the heck?!

Maths.
Maths was decent enough for me. I had a couple of doubts.So now I know where my weakness is. Sad thing is, I only know after my MID YEARS. Bleah... Never mind.

'A' levels most important anyways.

Then as usual, a few careless mistakes, but lucky I spotted my stupid errors midway while doing the paper.
I think the best was this part: I CAN FINALLY DO VECTORS. I think. (But remembering yesterday, "I may be wrong)
It was surprisingly trivial. It seemed different. Don't know lahh.. Don't say so much, later come back whole question wrong. (lol)

23 june @ 1640

2008-06-23T01:26:00.000-07:00

hmm...
maybe i was wrong.

what i just saw was... quite... unbelievable..indiscribable.. i must say.

ok ok... enuf. back to work.

Life doesnt give us enough time to stand still for a moment.

funny...

funny how the more I try to get away from something, the more it comes back to haunt me.
funny how the more I try to forget something, the more I remember it.

Life's irony.

I'm so full of it.

haiz... it's been quite long already hasn't it? sometimes i think im so full of shit. broken promises. unfulfilled dreams. what-not. at times, im so hopeless, but i just put it all off by being optimistic.

today went to school to look study.. but.. there were just too many people so.. couldnt study. initially was looking for MsWang o ask her sth but then accompanied Liyana find Mr Pow too.. here's a new cafe in MI!!! it sells........ HEALTHY FOOD!! hahaha,, how.. "amazing"... reached home about 12 plus.. didnt study with the rest.. haha.. OMG tmr's maths paper,followed by chem and phy.. nice timing right.. haha...

breaking... breaking... broke. broken.

all gone. finished.

nothing can turn back time. its all... gone.

picking up the pieces all over again has to hurt. but somebody has to do the job....

21 june @ 0930

2008-06-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

I've been living for 19 years already. And I still ain't stopping anytime soon. Life doesn't stop just because of one huge obstacle. No. Life goes on with that obstacle banging at you at the back of your head. Sometimes, it hurts. Sometimes, it becomes so numb you can't feel it anymore.

But that's it. No matter what the final decision and conclusion is, life still goes on. And whatever it is, I'll still respect you. And if things work out the way I surprisingly thought it will, then great. If not, then maybe it's just not it.

I guess life is like that. You can't have everything that you want. Some things you get. Some you don't. And that's that. Just got to pick myself up and carry on. Just got to put it aside and stop thinking about it. Just got to start learning to be myself all over again. Just got to adjust and continue.

Life's shit is always at the next step in front of you.

Drifting further and further away.
From what started out as strangers to acquaintances to friends...
It went downhill faster than it took to get to know you.
Suddenly, we're strangers once again,
and suddenly, when I look at you, I ask
"Did i ever know you?"

Whatever it is...
We're strangers once again.
Until the day YOU decide otherwise.

it pains me to have to visit these places everytime.
fond memories lie within, bringing joy with each recollection,
yet at the same time, haunting and reminding me that they will never happen again.
recollected on command, but reenacted, it shall never be.

20 JUNE @ 1030 HRS

2008-06-19T19:28:00.000-07:00

yesterday night, wrote out all the topics have yet to be covered!! haha.. OMMMGGG!!! super alot.. but no paninc.. started out with vectors.. hmm.. i hate this topic.. read and do,read and do.. then slowly.. CAN DO !! took a break and the proceed on to COMPLEX NO...eee another disgusting topic.. finished DE MOIVRE'S THEOREM on the bed!! haha.. unfortunately fell asleep while reading.. then grace called.. and my WHOLE bed could feel vibration.. hahaha!! but unfortunately after put down the fone.. fell asleep again.. haha.. till this morning about 8!!! sooo long.. haha.. fnished up complex no ad tried some questions.. moved on to integration and applcations.. summation,sequences and AP,GP.. finally.. Binomial theorem.. WOOT.. IM A HAPPY GOOBER!! haha.. its satisfying cancelling out the topics on the paper... haha.. cool.. i left differential equations, graphing and mclaurin's for maths.. yiipppee!!!! haha.. but.. there's still physics and chem.. OMG!! haha.. slow and steady wins the race.. haha.. as the saying goes..** i'll learn and prepare myself and someday my chance will come..** haha..

WOOT!! after this got to go back to maths!! smiles..

just a little something..

Each of us believes that what he has to say is much more important than anything the other might have to contribute.

I'm ok with hypocrisy by hypocrites. What I have a problem with is hypocrisy by those I call my 'friends'.

Whether the melon falls on the knife, or the knife falls on the melon, the melon still gets hurt.

Being blinded by love can be easily rubbed off by accidental marriage; being blinded by hatred is an incurable disease.

Pick which side of the fence you want to be on; fences don't make good seats.

The loser's creed: When you can't beat them, join them.

A secret is not a secret if two or more people know about it.

It's not during periods of joy and happiness that one is properly tested; but it is in the face of adversity that one's true mental abilities are shown.

Keep your enemies close; keep your friends closer.

Myths are used to explain what we do not know. Sometimes, they get mixed up and is named as facts.

You know... They always say this:
If you love something, you gotta set it free.
If it returns, then it's yours to be.

I guess I did set it free a while back.
.
.
.
.

.
.
And I think that will be the last that I'm going to see of it.
Please prove me wrong. You don't know how much I miss you.

19th june @ 1839 HRS

2008-06-19T03:37:00.000-07:00

*** BRING BACK THE RAINBOW IN MY LIFE...***

Been a few month since i last blogged... been busy lately..

anyway let me start by talking about whats been happening in my life.. began the june holidays with breakfast at macs.. chalets at pasir irs.. cycling.. bladding.. neoprints.. movie-ing. everything but MUGGING.. then Shit happens. Yeah. Some other worthy things worth blogging about. Dad came home.. *misses* and went to malaysia.. *been enjoying eh...*

Let me tell you first. It's gonna be a long draggy entry. So if you don't feel like scrolling through this entry, you are most welcome to click on links on the right or just move on to another webbie. Hehe.

Tried texting a particular someone but all i get was empty looong lonely nights.. *cant be bothered eh?*

Thx eh.

Maybe your promises is just a promise made impromptu.

I don't know, but I'm honouring mine.

And so, not one msg from... , even tho everytime my hp beep, I just so wish it was from him. Maybe promises are just promises. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .maybe

True love.

So yeah, I hope you are doing fine. I don't even know if you are reading this butI'll just update it..

painting the picture together with you now would be just another drawing that will not be completed.

I don't know, deep inside me, I can't feel hatred anymore. And I don't know what smile is without you around now. Like I say before, you make me complete. I just need that special love, care and concern from you.

I miss you.

Envy when I see people.

Failure.

I want to be a listening ear to you, but I just do not know where to start.

Everyday without fail, I would pray to asking HIM to give me a chance to make amendments, to give me a chance to guide you throughout your life, to give me a chance to let me love you again, and everything.

Is it too late to make amendments?

~hidupku sebuah tanda tanya. . . . mengapa~

the days pass by so quickly that i barely have time for myself. all is about school, exams, and studies... just 4 more days till school reopen.. which means 4 more days to MYE's..

just my thoughts..

2008-03-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

hey.. just a lottle thought today.. i saw someone close to heart with her going into the library after physics lesson today.. haiz.. its heart breaking.. but had to try to keep the feeling inside or it would be too obvious.. from the laughter and all the noise, i think you really are happy with her. may be i had my fair share of time and fun with you.. and now it has to come to an end. but to see you with her... all the memories relieved.. haiz.. i wonder if u really miss those times and the fun and all.. the company we gave each other and stuffs... haiz.. but seeing you so happy like that, i feel relieved that someone can make you happier without you getting andgry and fighting.. but at the same time, i just feel sad that i didnt get that wonderful chance to do so.. remember 8 of jan.. it was the day when it all started.. you.. me.. and everything else..when you walk away, i count the steps that you take. do you see how much i need you right now? when you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you. when you're gone, the face I came to know is missing too. when you're gone all the words i need to hear, to always get me through the day.. and make it okay. i miss you ~ I can't believe you were the one To build me up and tear me down, Like an old abandoned house.

In the beginning you took my breath away,
Stole my heart the first day...

I would wish to wake up everyday,
To the sound of your breath on my neck,
The warmth of your lips on my cheek,
The touch of your fingers on my skin,
And the feel of your heart beating with mine,
Knowing, that I could never find that feeling,
With anyone other than you.

Your love is warm and precious,
Your heart so pure and true,
From the moment I looked into your eyes,
I knew my life was about to change,
The change I knew I needed,
But never could on my own.

The gentle breeze of the air around me,
The sound of the ocean slowly rolling,
The beauty of the sunset,
Can never be compared to you.

The sweet smell of a rose,
The kiss of the snow as it falls to the ground,
The bite of the rain as if falls on me spinning in the street,
Can never be compared to you.

I glimpsed a shooting star, that shattered the sky above,
I chased the first light of dawn, as it stretched across the sky,
Crashing into midnight, as the stars began to die,
But nothing that I found, replaced the beauty of your love.

You are the light of my life,
The joy of my heart,
Through the hugs and kisses,
The laughs and the smiles,
Those little moments that make me happy.

When I gaze into your radiant heart,
Through the pupils of your eyes,
I look deeper, exceeding the great depths,
Right past your appearance a disguise.

When I tell you that I love you,
My words are sincere,
Being with you, is my purpose,
I know this is true, it is so very clear.

Life without you is a life without love,
Like looking up at night and seeing no stars above.

So remember when your eyes meet mine,
I love you with all my heart,
And I have poured my entire soul into you,
Right from the very start.

I've learned the full meaning,
Of sharing and caring,
By having my dreams all come true;
I've learned the full meaning,
Of being in love,
By being in loving with you.

My love for you is pure,
Boundless through space and time, I could go on for days,
Telling you how much I love you,
But all you really must know,
Is that my love for you is real.

this is for you.. 'HA HA'.. i miss you..

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Here is the analysis:

You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

a short post alright...

2008-03-07T16:08:00.000-08:00

the day of the release of the a level results was hectic.. sooo scary and time pass us by soooo slowly.. in MI we take our contrasting H1 and Mother tongue in year 2 which means in 2007... and the rest of our subjects this yr. in the morning, we had pre u 3 seminar.. which was kinda boring but helpful i must say.. haha.. then there was break.. and lunch break and stuff.. during lunch, saw u wearing a heart shape kinda band on your hand.. kinda feel sad.. it brought back memories and looking at the condition we are in now, it was kinda heart breaking.. dunno if it was done purposefully to spike me.. i dunno.. and then the moment came.. went back to class for results.. its was heart breaking to see both of u acted as though u were best buddies.. well i guess... maybe after all.. you guys are best buddies.. and everything might have been just and act.. i dunno.. it was scary waiting for results though but the fear was overpowered by the feeling of being backstabbed by you.. how could you.. i thought you were on my side.. haiz.. but i guess i was so darn wrong.. then my name was called to take my results slip.. OMG.. i was totally shocked tt tears welled up my eyes.. tears... but tears of joy.. all the mugging and lack of sleep and everything did not go to waste... im sooo elated.. yay ness!!! now i can fully concentrate on my other remaining subjects and i'll mug hard so that by this time next yr, my emotions wen getting the results would be the same or even better.. well done!! allrite.. got to go now.. time for all the mugging and lack of sleep to start.. jia you!!

to all those who have done well.. congrats and dun be complacent..

i miss the times we had..

2008-02-27T00:29:00.000-08:00

No matter how many times I deny it time & time again, it still turns out this way. Yeah, and didn't know why I felt the pain every night; now and then. Sometimes I even wonder, why am I still crying for? Sometimes I do feel like a hypocrite. I told people to move on with their lives while at times, I completely still back at square one. Well, Its hard. But after a few dayss, that feeling will slowly come back then subsides and it goes on like a vicious cycle (I prefer to recognise as it is). it all happens over and over again.. but i just need u here... did u really meant what you said in maths class the other day.. haiz.. am i really like that? as days pass, i just miss the times we had.. i wish that in class sometimes i was there right beside you like how we used to be before.. sometimes in class i just wished that i could sneak up behind you and sit next to you.. im not sure if these things could ever happen again.. life seems alot better for you now.. i hope things would just change and someone would just wake me up from this terrible nightmare.. i never wanna fight with you again.. haiz.. i wish..

Stop and stare,
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere.
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared.
But I've become what I can't be, oh...

Stop and stare,
You start to wonder why you're here not there.
And you'd give anything to get what's fair,
But fair ain't what you really need.
Oh, you don't need...

So what do I really aim in life? What do I aim to achieve? What are currently my needs now? To juggle commitments and studies all together is in fact, an uphill task. But, does anyone tends to understand at the moment?

Only someone seems to. The One whom I've always have faith and believe in. He's the reason why I'm still surviving. If not, I'd just give up by now.

And I still need your guidance in this, cause I might look strong outside but I definitely am weak deep inside. And only you, only You, The One Above, knows it all; what I've been going through all these while..

Some people cry. some people don't cry. i think it has to do with the emotional being of each individual person. its like sad country music songs. these songs tend to reach our emotions better than other forms of music. emotions can be devastating to some people. they cry at the drop of a hat. same applies to crying when our feelings are hurt. its like the person who has no other choices in life, in a given situation. its to cry to show emotion and to relieve true inside feelings. it may just be a relief valve. crying serves several purposes. relieving anxiety, relieving frustration, and an outward appearance that has very strong psychological effects on everyone surrounding the crier. we, as humans, all have feelings. some people control their feelings better than others. no one likes to get their feelings hurt. thank goodness we have the ability to cry. nothing helps like a good cry. its like washing the soul.

end of common tests...

2008-02-17T02:55:00.000-08:00

thursday marks the end of all the late nights and all the studying and mugging for common tests... came to one conclusion.. no matter how hard you try to stuy... what makes it sMOST demoralising is not being able to the questions in the paper the very next day.. that was how i felt when i sat for my maths paper.. it felt as though the whole world just came crumbling down on me.. i felt sooo helpless.. chemistry was the last paper and it falls on valentines day.. didnt really study much for it.. came to shool early in the morning to study in the library.. met grace at westmall and then received a necklace!! sooo sweet ryt.. haha.. yep i know i know.. and then in school received a box of the most favourite chocs... yummy.. after chem paper went to eat seoul gardenn.. hehe.. how dumb dumb can we get when maing ice kacang ryt majidah?? haha. thats about all.. waited for someone for three whole days.. but all that came out of it was dissapointment.. didnt expect u to not even msg me..was waiting for ur msgs since friday...... but none came..

To love you is a sin,
To dream of you is a crime.
But I'm still hoping for the day
that you'll be mine.

past few days..

2008-02-17T02:43:00.000-08:00

The past few days haven't been all that sweet and dandy. Nope. They haven't. Things happened around me as I watch, or rather, observe. And I didn't absolutely like what I saw. It wasn't very pleasing, at least if you are me.

It doesn't take a psychologist to tell you that I don't feel good.

I can't force you to do things the way I want to. Of course not. You are separate human beings with a different point of view and have different ways of doing things. That's just what makes me feel so shitty.

But there's something I have to question. Why? Why are you treating me like this? Is it on purpose, to test my patience? Or you never once meant to hurt me like that? I don't know. But I want a definite answer. Although I will never bring myself to ask you so directly like that. No. I'm not that kind.

You can be so darn nice to everyone. Why not the same way to me? I'm not asking for more you know. Maybe just something equal. Of course, you can always say no. Oh wait. You've always been saying no. It's nothing new. But when was the time you said yes? You would, only if they didn't affect you.

Or maybe I'm justing asking for so much. After all, there is already so much that you have done. And I've never remembered doing anything back in return. So maybe I don't deserve it at all. I guess I've don't.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
Love is really a hard thing don' t you agree? Indescribable, to a positive extend, mind you. Beautiful and inspiring. Yet love is hard to understand.

Alas, no mere mortal can resist the luring of this force, so powerful and miraculous alike, being attracted by this force is neither a weakness nor a flaw one possesses. On the contrary, being able to stand as one with the force is admirable and the feeling is simply splendid. For many can only dream of the joy it can bring and bliss to one’s soul one can achieve from such a petite feat of declaring one’s inner feelings towards another and also the fact that one is brave and valiant enough to face reality and accept the truth.

Love is not to be ashamed of.
Love is not to be ridiculed.
Love is not to be humiliated with.
Love is to be embraced with open arms.
Love is to be held within an open and a true heart.
May the journey of true love start.
May the currents of love flow in your veins
May the rhythm of love beat in your heart
May the voyage of love sail you to the arms of the destined.
If you love someone,
put their name in a circle, instead of a heart,
because hearts can break, but circles go on forever.
If you judge people, you have no time to love them It takes a minute to know on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to have a crush on someone, a week to understand someone- but it takes a eternity to forget someone.

love?

2008-01-15T04:21:00.000-08:00

Love is really a hard thing don' t you agree? Indescribable, to a positive extend, mind you. Beautiful and inspiring. Yet love is hard to understand.

Alas, no mere mortal can resist the luring of this force, so powerful and miraculous alike, being attracted by this force is neither a weakness nor a flaw one possesses. On the contrary, being able to stand as one with the force is admirable and the feeling is simply splendid. For many can only dream of the joy it can bring and bliss to one’s soul one can achieve from such a petite feat of declaring one’s inner feelings towards another and also the fact that one is brave and valiant enough to face reality and accept the truth.

Love is not to be ashamed of.
Love is not to be ridiculed.
Love is not to be humiliated with.
Love is to be embraced with open arms.
Love is to be held within an open and a true heart.
May the journey of true love start.
May the currents of love flow in your veins
May the rhythm of love beat in your heart
May the voyage of love sail you to the arms of the destined.
If you love someone,
put their name in a circle, instead of a heart,
because hearts can break, but circles go on forever.
If you judge people, you have no time to love them It takes a minute to know on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to have a crush on someone, a week to understand someone- but it takes a eternity to forget someone.

romantic

2008-01-15T04:15:00.000-08:00

Everything's wrong. For me, at least. I've lost everything. It's all hopeless. I wonder why am I still drifting in my ocean of worries when I'm better off drowned in it. It completely ticks me off. From my gravity low results, to the tough decisions I have to make. Has the world something against me? What have I done to deserve all these? I don't smoke nor drink nor gamble nor do drugs, I don't cheat nor steal. I always do my obligatory prayers and I never missed one. I go home straight after school, if I have nothing on. I do MOST of my homework, I have yet to be late for anything. Yet, I doomed to never lead a simple life. It's really hard.

Seems that everytime I try to stand tall and forget my problems, I feel my problems slouch on me. I need some TIMEOUT. No can do. Time and tide waits for no man. Get me a knife. Quick.

Crazy Insane, Insane Crazy.
Failings becoming a NORM. My clean record, is now filled with dirt and grime, all piling up.Do you ever think about your blind spots? The things we do or say may have an impact on people, be it good or bad. Everyone has good points and some weakness here and there. I'd rather someone close to tell me my mistakes, than a complete stranger. Another thing, I believe that all our wrong doings can't be seen by ourselves...
So if you'd be kind enough, would you do me a favour and tell me mine? Change is not something that can be done overnight, but I'll try to change for that better.

I suppose it comes from the Romans. Perhaps they were very romantic people. Yet in books, the French are the most romantic people in the world.
.Think about it...
.French kiss
.Paris - the city of love
.Fiancee - its a French word of engagement

However, how can anyone be rated by general?
Then the real question pops out...

Am I romantic?
I was pratically rolling on the floor when I heard this question over the radio. Then when I came to my senses, I figured that I'm not much of a stone hearted person, at least I feel so. While I may get flutters in my stomach when I meet someone I'm very attracted to, I try not to let my romantic-self entirely dictate how I proceed. Not that I've been in love to many times to be concidered EXPERIENCED, but being in love feels good.

The sterotype of a romantic person is off course... ...

Love Poetry
Candle-light Dinners
Seaside Walks
Flowers and Chocolates
Private Movie Screenings
But the thing is, another sterotype is... ....it'll only be romantic if guys does it.

How about true love...?

I believe that it exist, but somehow life makes it hard to happen. With so many obstacles sandwiched in between, it seems that true love is just a mere illusion.

How about love at first sight... ?

I don't find the attraction from looks. Simply because I don't personally take much consideration of a person's outside. Off course I see the overall appearance of a person. But that doesn't make me like a person at first glance. I don't stand for the "love at first sight" theory. A person who makes me smile even after a pissful day would be a much better choice compared to a guy who is just pleasant to look at. Though looks come as a bonus in certain cases, I beseech to stress the point that personality, character and moral values currently hold the most important asset I myself look out for.

love?

2008-01-11T23:09:00.000-08:00

Your Brain is 47% Female, 53% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Love? Is there such a word? Is there such a feeling? Maybe not. But what are its effects? Nobody can ever say for sure. For me, I guess I have experienced its aura, so to speak. I'm sure everybody has.

It's comparable. There are after all many types of love. Be it family, parental, or BGR. Maybe the last type will be experienced last in line in a person's life. But yes, for many of us here, we are fortunate to have the first two and often enough, we take it for granted. We treat it as if it's supposed to be there each and every day that we live, not realising that so much as God's proverbial finger snap can immediately take away the lives of those we love deeply.

But at this supposed stage of life, we are not expected to feel it. Those who do are labelled as infatuation. Yes. It may be true. But after a while, or at least getting the prescribed feeling more than once, you seem to be able to differentiate between the 'mock' and the real thing. Then again, biasness may get in the way. So then, if it is not us to judge for ourselves, and others constantly do not bother about it, then who is it that says, "Hey! You're in love!"?

Nobody does that. Nobody I've known so far at least. It's a process, not a one-stop thing. It's not after, say, 3 days after you meet the person, you start to like the person. I don't thing it works that way. It's more like after a long period of time of getting to know the person's likes and dislikes, preferences and hates, personality and yada yada, then maybe, you can say for sure that you might start liking the person.

But then again, to love a person, it is equally ironic and oxymoronic that you say you like a person for his/her looks or his/her particular personality. Because loving a person has to come with the whole package, and that includes accepting the weaknesses as much as embracing the person's strengths. There's not much of a choice here, unless of course, the choice of completely backing out and finding someone new.

a kiss then goodbye...

2008-01-11T15:59:00.000-08:00

A Kiss...Then Goodbye.

We had to leave it all here today,
Though many things left to say.
Please don't stop me till I'm through,
This is something I have to do.

We've been here so long.
Guess it was like a song.
Please,don't you cry.
Let's just hug and say goodbye.

Months will pass us by.
I'm going to miss you,
I just can't lie.
Think; its the right thing to do.

Understand me won't you try?
It's going to hurt me,
I just can't lie.
but its the right thing to do.
Let's just kiss and say goodbye.

Time changes everything,
From winter to spring.
But one thing stays the same,
Your breathless charm and memories that came.

Back to A levels study mood..Although I did sneak a little time off to enjoy :D A man with dignity is the one who stands by his words. Really appreciate it.For now..My life will most probably retain its monotony. Unless of course..Something interesting happens again.Day 6 of mugging. Ok it's been quite good. The motivation is damn high, so must make full use of it before the magic wears off. Although I'm not expecting the whole thing to disappear, but I'm sure some will start forgetting about it. Of course, the best would be it last till 'A' levels. But hell... This world ain't that perfect. So yeah...

Only in poverty, do you appreciate wealth.
Only in solitude, do you appreciate sociality.
Only in sickness, do you appreciate health.
Only in sadness, do you appreciate joy.
Only in war, do you appreciate peace.
Only in death, do you appreciate life.

Read line 3... I really really really appreciate health right now. I'm so darn sick. My nose is sore. My throat is sore. My eyes are red. I'm having a mild fever.

I want to feel well again... ARGH!!! It's 'cause of my weird sleeping patterns. I can't sleep before 10. I only sleep when I'm sleepy. I only sleep when I'm at ease.

The first two are ok. But the last one... Well... If I say that I'm seldom at ease... You would know why then... Haiz...

How can you feel at ease when... ARGH.. Heck..

Gonna turn into more like another complaining session already. Shall stop here. Bleh..

Bottomline: I'm sick.

drowned in ecstacy..

2008-01-09T04:59:00.000-08:00

Nobody but you would understand this plethora of words. Maybe you'll read it, maybe you won't.

Just when I thought you have taken a huge step out my life, I've decided to put up a 'Welcome Back' banner and laid the red carpet back for your entry. Neither options are considered ideal, because a win situation for me in this case is totally out of the question, but it is possible to squeeze out optimism even in the bleakest of situations, and I feel this does not differ from those that I have come across before, or at least those concerning you.'

You know. Whenever I try, it always fails, without doubt. As of now, the tally stands at about 5-0. It is about 5 attempts or even more, but a consistent rate of failure. Never mind that. However, when you do ask, it seems, I never fail to give in. Maybe because I still want it more than you do, and that a small part of me still chooses not to give up on even the tiniest of probabilities that miracles still happen. It seems like the process goes through a special logic gate. When my input is 1, it will always turn out output 0. Yet when your input in 1, it remains as such in the output.

From inference, I suppose it is you who makes the calls. I am purely alright and not against that, as long as it in no way conflicts my purposes and aims. I am acceptable in you making the decisions because I realise most of my efforts, if not all, to exert, would be futile. I'd rather you come to mind how and what should happen, and then maybe some progress can be made from there onwards.

After today, I was overwhelmed with ecstacy, though I displayed little of it. I still remembered the first time it happened, and I was more than glad that today happened the way it did. You merely put little to the hiccups that happened earlier in the morning before I met you. Those suppressed feelings may have been pushed all the way down to God-knows-where, but today, they surfaced like rising bubbles in boiling water. All this while, I distracted myself, concentrated on other work, met new people and interacted more with them, all in the attempt to forget about and not think of you. As of today, all that was successful.

You know... When I look at that picture, my first focus is on you; before I see others or even myself. I see something in you that is unexplainable. Remember the question you once asked me. The elusive question: Why? I gave you an answer that came straight out from my mouth, rather than from my heart. Though true for that time being, it was part of the process of pushing it all way down. Someone brought that an almost identical question back up again yesterday: Why? Here's my answer, reiterated: If I ever knew the answer to that question, I would have a much easier time myself.

But I don't have the answer. And I don't see any momentary burst of intelligence that will suddenly give me the answer. I don't see anything hints or signals that say... 'Hey... Here's the answer... ...' No. Life doesn't provide for such things. I think, if I were to think hard enough, I might concoct a stupid story that somebody somewhere is playing a fool with me, and making a fool out of me. But no. Life doesn't provide for that either. What has happened is the result of my previous actions, and what will happen is the result of my actions now.

Now that you've told me something along the context that SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN, WHEN THE TIME COMES, I'm only reminded of how that second phrase was how I decided to begin it all. It seems to have come one full round; a complete circle, whereby the ending comes right back to the beginning, and maybe, finally, all can be comprehended in that instant. I don't know whether you did it intentionally, or it was unintended. But whatever it was, I noticed the undeniable connection, or maybe I was just being overly inferential on trivial matters. It's ok. I'm known to make mistakes, after that big blunder. But it's even more ok, because this time, it doesn't have its consequences.

For me, all I want is peace, or at least anything along those lines. Anything better would also be acceptable for me. However, anything worse is not something I long to happen, but if left to chance, the probability is as good as anything better happening. I just hope that maybe, you do have similar intentions in your actions as well. The impression you leave will always be a good one in me, no matter how much I tend to dislike certain things happening. Though only knowing you for at most half of my millennia life, you have been an integral part of it because it has hugely affected me, be it in a good or bad way. As they say, it is the quality, not quantity.

i'll hold on

2008-01-05T16:35:00.000-08:00

MAXIMUM RIDE

plundging into inexistance

have I fallen from grace, deep down below?
have I been a tourniquet, blocking my senses?

I DON'T CARE...

my past is past...
all I care is my future.

I have my family, my REAL friends and myself. GOD's looking over as well. I don't have to lead my life thinking all about my past. I'm droping all irrelevant things that have been clouding me from my real objective in life, "TO BE HAPPY".

How can I be happy thinking of the only the sad and depressing? From now on, I'm going to do everything with my full 100%, not leaving anything to mourn for myself.

I DON'T NEED sympathy from anyone. Help maybe, but NEVER sympathy.
It's my pride I guess, I figure I have to inflate my hot head a little. I trying to see things in a new prespective.

Hope I'm okay...

FEELING REAL HIGH THIS FEW DAYS!!

WHOOTS

wonder..
maybe because...

i've decided to hold on...

recently, so many people are breaking up and letting go of the ones they love sooo easily... but... i've made up my mind.. to hold on the this person.. i will.. i MUST!!! i CAN!!

I need you here tonight,
Holding me at your side,
Living only by the light
That radiates from your eyes.
My comfort in your touch,
My peace brought from your voice,
Only helps to prove how much
Your love means to my life.
You place your hand in mine,
So I will stay nearby,
Love is all I hope to find
As you're holding me at your side.
Whispering you love me,
And holding me with care,
I open my eyes to look and see
You are faithfully still there.
To stay here for the night,
Is what I hope you will decide,
Because I want you here tonight
To hold me at your side.

*dear god, the only thing i ask of you is to hold him when i'm not around when I'm much too far away..

help!!

2008-01-04T03:06:00.000-08:00

help.. i just wanna have my own self back in school.. nowadays i feel like im someone else in farhana's body.. come on.. im not like this.. im all weak.. why am i feeling like this.. i've made up my mind to start a neww beginning, since its a brand new year, without this person.. but why am i feeling otherwise?? why cant i just do as what my brain orders me to!!??? i admit yes.. i do feel different without this person around.. i do feel some sort f empty. but im trying m best to put this feeling aside.. i feel sad too.. but what am i supposed to do about it?? this space deep deep in my heart looks for this certain someone everyday, everytime WITHOUT fail.. what do i do?? how do i take this misery..this pain.. away and out of me?? sob sob.. help me please someone...

Do not save your loving speeches
For your friends till they are dead;
Do not write them on their tombstones,
Speak them rather now instead.

To Hanif...
We had angry words...We had a spat and said hurtful words we didn't mean. How silly it all seems.At the light of a new day. What happened to "for better or worse?" Have we grown too intolerant of the other?We fool ourselves to believe we fully know the other - Our patience has waned.
I tresure you for all eternity.
So, I promise and I hope you do too to be a bit more as we were when all that mattered was the nearness of each other.
I promise to do my best to be less judgmental. To be less quick with my tongue and less short with my wit. Forgive me for saying that which I wish I hadn't..And I shall forgive you too.
I cherish you for all eternity.

I am sorry...

A little someone,
Noor Farhana

memories..

I treasure sweet old memories
As time goes swiftly by.
A few bring smiles of happiness
And some tears to the eye.

They all are precious in their way,
Reopening doors of old
That have been shut these many years--
What pictures they unfold!

These dear old, sweet old memories
All play their special part
In bringing joy and opening up
The latch strings of the heart.

Memories are heartbeats
Sounding through the years
Echoes never fading
Of our smiles and our tears.
Moments that are captured
Sometimes unaware
Pictured in an album
Or a lock of hair.

Images that linger
Deep within the mind
Bit of verse we cherished
Once upon a time.
Through the musty hallways
Of the days we knew
Ever comes the vision
Beautiful and true.

Memories are roses
Blooming evermore
Full of fragrant sweetness
Never known before.
Life must have a meaning
Goals for which to strive
Memories are lights that burn
To keep the heart alive

i trusted you more than anything,
But I made the biggest mistake,
And i was hurt in the end.

I believed you, I trusted you,
I cared for you, and at times I cried for you.
But in the end I didn't get the real truth
I made the Biggest mistake
And now my heart bleeds.

So now I'm asking you why?
Why did you hurt me that way?
I called on you when I needed help.
But in the end I was betrayed

I did everything in my power,
To make you suceed, to achieve your goals.
Then you turned your back on me,
And now my heart is filled with holes.

And now I'm the fool
I believed you, I trusted you
Now you say you are sorry.
Is that all you have to say?

the irony..

2008-01-03T00:13:00.000-08:00

wee!! second day of school.. how fun is it to be in school.. but the sense of emptiness in the heart.. ouch.. so painful.. well for those who do not know. here's a brief summary.. last year was a year to remember and cherish i would say or rather, some would call it a year where doors are opened and left open without a beautiful ending.. well you see.. there was this person.. whom i got closer to as the days go by.. spent my time hanging out with this person.. well.. as days go by, it got more fun being around each other.. less time was spent on books... hmm.. not realy less time but i should say MORE sacrifices made.. went to the movies.. eat nachos, ice creams macdonalds, library.. everything felt heavenly despite all the bickering we had.. but.. something happened whch i myself have no clue of.. this person decided to move away from me.. or should i say to push me away.. we started to drift apart.. *two to one back to two* haiz.. it was kinda sad.. all those memories.. all those awlks.. all those talks. just left behind. just in a blink of a eye.. this person wanted to be normal frenz.. well.. schol started but this person starts to kind of avoid me.. shift to another seat in chem lab when we were at close proximity.. is that how frenz are supposed to behave?? ohhh the irony..

however everytime i see this person something just keeps bugging me.. but i will not know if its true.. it would just be a thought left unanswered..

i somehow have this feeling that tis person feels empty too.. just lke the way i do.. this person has difficulty facing each other thus the avoidance.. this person doesnt seem as cheerful as last yr.. as lively as last yr anymore..

Questions I ponder over
Stuck inside my mind
Paranoia of rover
Everything's intertwined
Though I may have to doubt
I've had had enough of strife
I don't know what's a must
But these memories and thoughts
I'll combust
For only pain they've brought
For only hurt they've sought
Yet how could I
Even try
To get rid of the past
This memories aside I cast?
Questions I ponder over
Stuck inside my head
Paranoia of rover
I'll wait for the past to fade

THANK YOU oh so much. I guess I really know who my real friends are.. Thank you.

I guess I think too much. With all my workload on me, I'm actually glad to know that I'm stressed. It means I'm alive and going through life. But with me, as feeble and a paper wall, having back covers like brick walls called friends and the cement called family, I'm still standing and supporting the lifeforce named Farhana. WHOA.

I've carved out so much time from my school and activities to spend some time with my family and friends. I don't give a care about others who can't seem to even talk to me what more speak to me. IGNORE me, Im sad that you act as though my existance is mere invisiblility. For REAL FRIENDS who have yet to desert me, you guys really are people I'm really glad to have known. Especially some extremely wonderful friends who have helped me so much these few days in which I'm struggling with all my responsibilities and MAJOR decision makings. Thank you for all who care. I love you guys.

THANK YOU
For all the support, I really needed them and my heartstrings are pulled by all the things everyone out there who has helped me and still is. My deepest grattitude. I know it'll never do justice to just say thank you, but I hope it will be enough.

to everyone, especially my best buddies
THANK YOU

To Serve With Pride and Dedication

That's the motto. But... There's always more than meets the eye. The conflicts and disputes that go unrest behind closed doors, its scary.
Politics.

How do wars begin? A small talk, turns into a misunderstanding as the both parties get the concept all mixed up. Then a some further aggravation rocks the whole situation, and everything goes downhill.

Like all wars, everyone wants to win. Yet, have anyone given a thought about it? It's not who wins or loses, it's who survives ultimately. But getting on each other's throats causes more stir in the storm, not only that, have the thought of other civilians getting affected ever haunt them? The hurlyburly of war. Terrifying, nevertheless, it's what's happening. Not just the larger scaled wars between countries, there's the wars between 2 organizations, the wars in an organization itself and the wars between 2 people.

Somehow or rather, its everything to do with power and authority. Where is the little love? Can't everyone just give and take? A post is merely a post, a position is nothing more than a position. Are all these materials so important that it fogs up the real importance of love? Love, in a form of friendship and respect. Is it all lost just because no one can see its beauty? It takes so much to meet, know, accept, understand, learn and appreciate someone, forming a bond we know as friendship. Yet, a miniscule problem, seems so destructive. Is friendship that fragile? I wonder.

This has given me an insight of the horrors of the skeletons locked up in the closet. A little glimpse, I can tell, its going to overflow the entire planet. On the other hand, I'm mentally prepared. I don't want power or authority. Though it's cool to have some. But I'm not sure I can handle it. I mean the urge to abuse the honors given, scary thoughts. I'm not evil, no one is born evil. It is created. I believe that the surge of power triggers the EVIL BUTTON in people. Yet, who doesn't hunger for a little power, authority and respect? My main goal in life is for happiness to never cease. I may be unhappy, but as long as there's no grudges and everyone else is happy, I'm willing to forgo a little.

This may all seem small talk, but it's the truth. Go ahead..Doubt me? Who cares what I think? I'm simply younger and I don't understand all these "grown up" stuff.

I'm really sorry if I've offended anyone. I tend to be very frank, I wonder why. This is not to make "YOU GUYS" feel uncomfortable, it's to make you guys see that there are more things than winning the "war". I not a person to see a crisis happen right under my nose, and not do anything about it. Forgive me for intruding. I have nothing else to say but, please THINK. Wasn't it better before all these happened? I never liked change, but it happens.

Once again, I apologize with upmost sincerity, I never meant any harm. I love you guys, and I don't like to see the people I love, respect and admire go ballistic over nothing at all. I'm very sorry.

okies.. got to go now.. cant be writing too much.. MUGGING STARTS TODAY!!! i cant wait!! *farhana's all excited about mugging* hehe..

school....

2008-01-01T22:44:00.000-08:00

routine life
getting sick of it, but used to it nevertheless.

A New Day Begins
Wake up at 0600
Ready by 0630
On the bus at 0700
Get to class by 0730
Bum my books from the locker by 0740
Finish up any OUTSTANDING homework
Bell rings at 0755
Assemble by 0800 to sing the National Anthem and the Pledge taking
Lesson begins at 08plus
Survival of the fittest begins
Brain stuffing begins
School's out at 1725
Slack around school
Home by 1830 (subject to differ)
Starts homework by 2000
Revision and some reading at 2130
Official Slack time 2230
In bed by 2315
The Day Ends

That's a normal day for yours truly. I feel like a zoombie going about a usual day. I need some excitement, some fun, some difference, some LIFE. School is basically fine and cool as long as there's something to look forward to and people I look forward to see and talk to. Studying's not all that bad. The complaining I hear from other students are like unbearable agonies and sufferings of the worst kinds of pains. Maybe they don't see a purpose in the attending of school. now that i do.. SCHOOL'S FUN!!!!

I've thought about my life a little, reflected on my past and thought about my future. I figured that I've wasted about an hour staring into mid-air, but at least the wheels in my head kept moving.
I figured that
As long as I'm willing to live, I'll find a purpose in life.
As long as I try to be happy, I'll find happiness.
As long as I do my best, there's nothing I'm going to regret.
As long as I want something, no one can stop me from getting it.
The only thing that's stopping me, is me.
I'm the only obstacle out there. I'm going to overcome my fear somehow or another. No matter what others say, I don't give a s*** about the crticism I get as long as I know what I'm doing is right.

So go ahead, make my day or ruin it, inspire my life or dampen my feelings, encourage me or doubt my abilities..I am who I am and nothing's ging to change that fact.

I've given up feeling sorry about my sorriest fate. I'm going to stop behaving like the world's ending this instance. I'm going to be as joyful as anyone can get. At least I'm going to try to be NORMAL. Not that I ever was... But it never hurts to try something normal once in a while

For those who have no complete idea of what I'm talking about, leave it as that and don't even find out. It's not worth your time. Trust me.

It hurts to be abandoned, left alone to grieve.
It hurts to know that people lie, and that they do it with deliberateness.
It hurts to discover that people you thought you knew are really completely different.
It hurts to find out the truth, even if you suspected it all along.
It hurts to realize that what you had thought was reality is really just a complex construction of pretense, a facade.
It hurts to see the past reliving itself in the ones you love.
It hurts to know that there is nothing that can be said or done to make things better.

It's the worst experience to LOSE SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU.
It's horrible to think they don't know that you always think of them, hope for love to be returned and caress ,however all my hope is gone and my passion has been drained.

Because
I've been there.
I know what it's like.
I know how it feels.
I'm familiar with that abyss.

Guess it's true that if you truly love someone so deep, so true and so pure, you'll let them go. And if love is returned from the bottom of the heart, then it's really love made in heaven..

Don't everyone wish their fairytale ending to be along that line? Don't you? I know I do.

If I had a rose for everytime I thought of you, I'll be picking roses my entire lifetime. But there's simply not enough roses to fill the thoughts and love I have...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2008-01-01T01:32:00.000-08:00

Welcoming the dawn of a completely new beginning, many join in the basking of the celebration of the new year with loved ones and friends in many countdown parties and new year bashes across the country and all over the world. I myself am no different from these people, I am afterall totally into this celebration thing.

Yesterday, 31Dec 2007, the last and final day of the whole year. Its significant to myself as this is the day I'll look at my achievements, losses and what I've learnt for the entire year.

Now the most "exciting" part begins...
The waiting
But I kept myself busy looking into the sky. I was scanning the skies for stars. To my DISAPPOINTMENT, there was none. Suddenly, a tiny little star appeared. It was for a short while, but it still amazed me. Before the clouds decided that the star had enough limelight. I made a wish nevertheless. Hoped it came true. The first and only star I saw on the last and concluding day of the year.

Well...
I waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited

FINALLY
the midnight hour came. The fireworks began. A full blow of 15minutes worth of fireworks from 3 different places was worth it. Yet, I was speechless at the thought of ""What's so good about fireworks?". I know they're pretty and amazing, but why? The crowd was going "Ooohhss and Aaahhss and Whoaaass"..I forgot everything and just submerged myself into the joy and happiness I felt. It was great.

So to start of the new year, I've made several resolutions in hope that'll I'll keep them.

Till next time,
A very Happy New Year
with all the usual greetings attached. To everyone who is currently reading this post...May all your dreams be fulfilled.

My very first post of 2008. This year will be filled with many 'my-firsts', and the list will go on. I could start with the first sms I sent, or the first place I went to, or even my very first word. However, that would be too long, and unsuitable for a blog entry. Rather, I would write on my last few thoughts for the year 2007.

The closing moments of 2007 brought no form of closure to my heart. But that is not to say that I am looking forward to 2008, it's just to say I wished 2007 hasn't ended yet. With a question unanswered, with a speculation unconfirmed, with a thought unprovoked, how could the year end with a peace of mind (at least for my mind).

Oh well... I think 2008 will be better. Wait.. Here's the resolutions I promised...

1. A smooth transition into yr 3 life. I want to be able to cope with the added responsibility, stress and pressure. I expect to be completely adjusted in 3 days time, especially to the regular timetable and set aside time for everybody who is important to me, if not possible, then by 7 days.

2. Good grades at least for the mid year exams or its equilavent. Maintain a respectable academic standard throughout the year..

3. Improve my level of stamina, strength and acceleration, in summary, my fitness. to my maximum. At least 2 runs a week. Never to skip a band practise without any valid reason.

4. Be faithful to my religion, my family, my close circle of friends and you. At the same time, I intend to make new friends and widen my social circle. I want to learn to accept everybody for who they are and not discriminate.

5.Maintain a low profile and keep silence most of the time in class. speak only when spoken to..

6.Be healthy..not too much fried food, KFC,MACDONALDS etc. not too much sweets as well..

7.Practise piano regularly so that after A level exms can just revise and take Grade 8 exam ASAP.Practise MUCH MORE maths too..

8.Save MORE money..

looking back...

2007-12-27T16:12:00.000-08:00

It's that time of the year again... Where mass gatherings take place and countdown to a particular moment, where people come together to sing auld lang syne, where people make their New Year Resolution for the upcoming year.

Before I do my New Year Resolution, here's my quick summary of year. It's been an eventful one. (I think I'll be saying this again next year. Just watch..) I learnt from many experiences, and benefited from many lessons. I felt wrenching pain, yet at the same time, underwent sheer joy.

All in all... Let's not get too sentimental. I'll get on with my summation:

January:
Wow. Had real difficulty getting used to the kind of working attitude. But I got through. Barely..

February:
Chinese New Year was rather nice.. I had some wonderful experiences of my own which I shared with certain people or a certain person. Don't mind living through those again..

March:
Err.. The Holidays was not much of a holidays. Got hooked up with Scrabble. :P
And a reconcilation with a friend..

April:
i think this month there was a big misunderstandimg.. oh wellss..

May:
Stress arh.. Mid Year Exams coming. Although I didn't really studied much. much to be improved..

June:
Holidays.. spent most of the month preparing for the upcoming exams.. quite fruitful the mugging and all.. Each brought to light a different perspective of life..

July:
School reopens again. Some not so nice things happened. Other nicer things happened too.. Somehow had problems adjusting from hols mood back to school mood.

August:
Mixed feelings.. My mood typically depended on another person's.. Period.

September:
Some nice moments.. [re[aration and mugging for the promos.. had some PMS quarrels too...

October:
EOYs!!! Mental stress, but got through quite nicely with decent results. Not up to expectations, but I fell a bit short and it was still nifty..

November:
If I could, I'd rather not talk about this. But well.. It was so-so.

December:
people come and go.. but only some really stayed.. yea YOU...

Well.. That's all folks! Ok.. Maybe not really all.. Now's time for my New Year Resolution. People who read it, help me stick to it k? :)

New Year Resolution(s)

1.high and immense concentration in class...

2. don't talk so much during lessons. In short, SILENCE. (This will by far be the hardest, but I think it's worth a go) practise as much questions and memorise things that are required...

3.work hard,play hard. get really really decent a lvl result

Ok.. I think that will be quite about enough.. That's more than I can handle for a year already. But I will give it my best shot..

top 5 birthday presents..

2007-12-23T17:56:00.000-08:00

(This portion of the entry is in no particular reference to anybody. Consider yourself part of it if you deem fit. But ignore all that has been mentioned if you think that you are not who I am pointing at.)

I feel extremely sorry for all the people that I have been selfish, or acted arrongantly towards. Really sorry. But I feel even more sorry to the people who actually get insulted when I behave as such towards them.

Why?

Firstly, I feel it is stupid to let other people's feelings affect you. Not that when a person is sad, you become oblivious to it, or if a person is angry, you still continuously irritate him and aggravate the situation. I think that in life, in one way or another, there are instances when people act selfish, or become proud. I think I do not differ.

Yes. My uncalled actions are not desirable. That's why I'm sorry. But hey. Look at the big picture. Am I, or rather, is everybody always like that? There are small occasions of which I may behave not to protocol, but are there so very often? I think not.

Think about it. Do you yourself always behave the 'right' way, or is there even a right way at all? Are you always that 'guai'? I shall not judge you. I shall not put myself into limiting beliefs and end up wronging myself. But your actions itself have laid impressions in me.

So the next thing you do something stupid, maybe start thinking about yourself first. However, that is not to say that I am an angel. No. I refuse to believe that I am that good or great myself. Everybody has flaws. And yes, I am similarly flawed.

just a random thing..

List out your top 5 birthday presents you wish for:

1. A,A,B for 'A' Levels... Since my birthday is like way before all the papers. that gives me more time to prepare...
2. Preferred choice of Uni studying preferred choice of degree. School of physical and and mathemtical sciences. =)
3. Being forgiven for all my sins would be nice.
4. A certain dream coming true.
5. A nice holiday to somewhere quiet. Away from the busy life... aww...That'll be nice...

just a thought...

2007-12-23T17:49:00.000-08:00

Today, in a particular position, I felt immense pain - Pain that cannot be explained nor described completely by the limits of today's English vocabulary, nor in any other language.

It was not in a yoga position of any sort which will tear your muscles apart if done wrongly, nor is it trying to defy the laws of gravity in any way. However, its pain would still more than any of those acts mentioned.

To cut a long story short - it is the pain of being beside someone you like, and knowing that you can never have him/her forever. It hurts, and it's no joke.

I'm sure most of you might have felt it before as well. The person is right beside you, and you just wish this and that happened, and blah blah blah. But without that certain courage, they are but wishes and they will never go any further than that.

Sad.. Indeed it is.

But even more sadly enough, nothing can be done about it. Haiz.. Especially not so when in my position.

And then, when you look back into memories, the pain is gone. What lingers is even worse, much worse - the feeling of regret, at least this is describable. However, it is not of much difference.

I conclude:

Life is full of pain. But most still want to live through it, because of the moments of sheer joy that are accompanied with it.

I've explained the first part of that conclusion. Here's the second part: it's quite a good thing that you can sit beside him/her already. Most don't even have the chance and opportunity.

So if you look on the brighter side of life, you'd realise... Hey.. Life ain't so bad after all.

But 'ain't so bad' is not equal to 'not bad at all'.

If there's someone out there that disagrees with me, prove me wrong first.

Just when I thought things might be getting better. Just when I thought life might be much easier..Just when I thought happiness might be returning.I was wrong.

My life just screwed up. It's one twisted tale of bullshit. It's crap.

oK.. Enough.. I must stand ground. I must stay true to myself. I must not surrender to nothingness. I must be strong. I must... I must... I must...

Indulging in self-delusion? Nah.. Just a something new I want to try out. Maybe it will work. Who knows?

After all, I've caused more than enough emotional mayhem than Osama has caused physical damage. I've caused certain pains some cannot recover from, certain irritation some cannot forgive, certain hatred some cannot take away.

I feel bad. I want to ask for forgiveness, to plead for mercy, to shed tears for those who have felt pain. I want to start anew. I want to give a new first impression. I want to change peoples' mindsets of me.

I want.. But I can't.

And I have my own problems to settle, to solve. My life has to revolve around me somehow.

To a person out there:

Hey.. You're a great friend. We had our fair share of tears and laughter. We had our fun, and I don't intend it to end; not anytime soon. I've let you know too much, I can't let you go.

What you did was stupid; and what I did after that was even stupidier.

Yet I still don't understand.. Why is it ok for you to make fun of me but not the other way round?

However, all is forgiven.

addicted

2007-12-21T04:49:00.000-08:00

I can't take it any longer. Maybe I'm addicted to blogging or something. Maybe I just lost control of my self-discipline. But whatever it is, I just need a venue to release my thoughts. For the past few days, I've been holding them back - by not going online, I can't blog. But now, I've sneaked off some time from my busy schedule - to blog.Much has happened. Been feeling on and off almost immediately at certain times, like a girl having PMS. That's bad.

Pissed. Enraged. Two people in one day. How much worse can it get? Damn it. I'm always the wrong one. What the hell. I'm sick and tired of this shit. Maybe you should think a little at some of the actions that I've done, and then you think whether I was really intending what I told you to do. Am I that superficial, that everything I said should be taken at face value? Call yourself my friend. I thought you would know better. Somehow, you're the person I get into a quarrel with the most often. It's about time this should stop. Maybe I know a way.

important person to talk about

2007-12-21T04:46:00.000-08:00

important thing to talk about. One is to a specific person. You would know if it's you. That's for sure. Just read on. I hope it can get to the people who I'm referring to. Somebody help me? :)

~~~~~~~~~~

Suddenly it all seemed so clear. Once again, I was misunderstood, as much as I misunderstood. I just hate it when it happens. Why did it have to happen again? Somehow, I don't seem to apt with my words. How come my words twist by itself and provide an entirely different meaning? I am so lost.

But now, I guess its clearer than ever. I finally realised, I hope. There wasn't much of a 'chance' given to me at all. It didn't matter to you at all, as how you put it to others. You didn't even bother. There was nothing to bother about, as how you once told me.

Ouch.

Somehow, you seem to think I'm like any other. It's not your physical presence that I want. No. I don't need that. Your mental image is more than enough to do anything to me. I just wanted to clear up something, to uncover what is hidden, but I ended up making the picture blurrer than ever. It's like wanting to pour water over something to clean it, but ending up just dissolving the thing.

Yes. I am 'too much' and still 'want more' at times. But I can't help it, can I? I'm human. Although I do have to resist temptations at times, sometimes I can't help but give in to my heart. It's not that I want or don't want to. Maybe I'm just too weak inside to control myself.

Whatever that I can change, I have tried my best to change. And I'm still trying. I'm trying very hard, putting in a lot of effort. Partly because of you, but even more so because of myself. Either way, I have you in interest. But then there's no point, since you don't see the same direction as I do.

Haiz... ... Now I don't know what to do... Really...

I guess I've lifted my spirits too high that day. Much too high. Now they are plunging all the way into the ground. Tomorrow, it will hit the ground. It will hit hard, very hard. Only you can stop them. Yes, only you. Although I have doubts that you even bother. But I can only wait and see.

And when I drop, I have to climb back up. Yes. That's life. Going all the way down and coming back up again. Maybe you're going to help me, but as I've said, maybe you won't even bother. But for now, all I can do is prepare. Prepare for the worst.

I haven't seen the worst, I'm pretty sure about that. Drop me the bombshell tomorrow. Kill me off tomorrow. I want to survive this challenge.

I will. I must. I shall not give in.

discipline...

2007-12-21T04:33:00.000-08:00

a principle of mine had this legendary sentence attached to him. "You know why our school ranking has dropped? Because of people like you. No discipline, no sense of urgency..."

The hidden meaning behind that sentence is that a result or success is usually because of the amount of discipline that a person has. You put in the desired level of discipline, and the turnout is exactly as how much the input is. Mathematically, it is impossible to calculate the accuracy of your success because there is no definite formulas, but it is immediately obvious to infer that the relationship is directly proportionate.

So then, what is this term 'Discipline'? A simple definition would consist merely of replacing this word with another --- 'Self-control'. Self-control as it implies, is the ability to control oneself regardless of the situation, be it being tempted into doing something nasty or choosing the easy way out.

Self-control is an essential aspect of life that should not be left out, because it is the control within us that is most sincere. There is no point if somebody imposes rules on us for us to abide to, because that is not to our liking and we might just choose to ignore it if we do not see its benefits. However, if we do see its benefits and decide to follow it, then we have chosen to integrate it into our set of rules that we want to adhere to.

Those that instill discipline are labeled as disciplinarians. They are often portrayed as thin and lean men giving that stern look of always suspecting you, while holding a cane in their hand and walking around as if he is Big Brother. This picture painted, is stereotypical and only half true. It is correct because rules are not often followed when they should be, and it is them who have to take on the dirty job to punish offenders and eventually gain everybody's hatred in the process. It would have been much easier if everybody just chose to have maintained the discipline that they should and not make any trouble.

However, that is only possible in the most idealistic situations - whereby people in a particular system merely commit themselves to the task at hand and not do anything that is considered unnecessary or unproductive. It is much like the organisation described as in the book, 'Brave New World'. They stick to their daily routine and the work that they have to do, rarely ever stepping out into the unknown to explore because they have no time for such endeavours. They may be considered as robots, but they go about it with the thinking that it is for theirs and everybody elses' good, after all the conditioning that they had to go through when they were young.

Of course, where there are humans, idealism is unlikely to exist even anywhere in the near future. Rules still have to be put in place, and actions taken against oppressors of world systems. Discipline still has to be enforced, so that we, as a society, can progress towards the future for the common good.

smiles...

2007-12-21T00:14:00.000-08:00

Life is really intriguing. You never know when a person who is smiling is truly smiling or giving a fake one, or even a smirk. Well.. Yar of course, the other words in the sentence can give you a rough idea of what is what. To hell with that.

I find it weird sometimes. Especially to myself. There are times I smile, but for what, I don't know myself. I don't know whether I'm feeling happy, or just trying to cover up that I am sad. I don't know whether I'm cheering a person up with my smile, or just trying to overcome what I had just undergone.

Confused.. To the extent of the utmost simplistics of life. Being in a position of unfamiliarity, of flexibility without rules, of unknown territory without guide. The next step might be hitting the mines or finding gold. I can't even see what's immediately ahead of me, let alone the future.

Threading on thin ice; taking a brave step into the dark. No.. Now is not a time to turn back... Surrender or compromise is not an option. I will not retreat. I will move forward and face whatever that is thrown upon me. Somehow, I expect this to be slightly easier, but I shall not be complacent.

thankk you...

2007-12-21T00:12:00.001-08:00

I didn't have the courage to say
That I loved you in every way.
I can't stop thinking of you
But still my love's strong and true.

I didn't have the strength to confess
My love I feel inside.
Guess I've made a horrible mess
Covering it up, trying to hide.

But that was before.
Figure miracles do come true
I'll cherish it all the more
For times like this come by too few.

Sunrise on the hills
Surrounded by daffodils
Seems everthing's brightly blazed
Difference,my life's in a daze.

Deep down I fall
As I hear a voice for me, call
I'm blessed with gifts from above
Cause, I'm submerged in your Love

Thank You...

Times come, times go.As we become part of evolution.Life style of the past turns into a distant memory, when we enter this modern revolution. As the scientific innovations turn our lives into an advanced age. Love is often pushed behind to back-stage.Life turns more & more towards material aspects with all these new gadgets around. What else can we expect!The beauty of Nature is often lost, as our eyes have no time to admire God’s creations, at any cost.In this rush of life, we often forget the value of Love. Things which are our real assets are lost in this world of greed and lust. Love is the name of Mankind’s biggest possession.
So times may come, times may goThere’s nothing like now or neverThe strongest power in this universeLove is forever.
Love makes the world go round and our heads spin. It sweeps us off our feet and knocks us into the distance. It makes our knees wobble, it makes our hands shiver. It makes our hair stand, it makes us smile. Everybody wants some. Yet no one truly understand the ultimate and paramount supremency of the emotion Love.

Isn't it beautiful?
I love this feeling...Hope it never fades away.

gibberish

2007-12-21T00:09:00.001-08:00

i don't know why. I have no idea. But thoughts of gory paranoia fills my mind. Though I maybe naive, I'm not an imbecille to have let anyone manupilate my life. I guess I think too much, question the impossible and challenge the sages. If I don't stand up for myself, who in Hell's word would? Maybe I'm too young to realize the powers out there. Maybe. But for now, I may seem to be sprouting gibberish, but who gives a danm about it? Having the power to influence the actions of others, to strength to show, the courage to pursuade, the integrity to bend rules... ...Wouldn't it be a blessing? It might, but to do good, absolutely without a doubt. Then again, changing your own mind is yet a task, what more the minds and actions of others. The power to do good, is the equal of compassion and humane love. Could anyone really have the ability to lead his followers for the greater good of mankind without a thought of paramount authority and surpreme power for personal gain? Humans have two sides, but only the eye sees what it wants to see. There's more than meets the eye for everything. Come to think of it, will you want to see the bad side of anything? I doubt so. For we ourselves manipulate our minds to think what we want to think. That can sometimes result in wrong perspective, wrong doings and worst of all, utter destruction. Humans are created such that NO ONE is perfect, NO ONE is completely good nor bad and NO ONE can measure up to be what they've always dream to be : Humanly with a heart of purest gold. With all this thought, I've yet to think the silver linning of the dark clouds that clouds my mind.

Life's like that. IRONY

You can NEVER be sure of anything. No matter what people say or do even with evidences and truths, there is always a benifit of doubt. There is always a "BUT". Though we try to minimise the range of uncertinty, we can NEVER be completely sure of anything. Though we try to be as presise as life takes us to, we are still in doubt of the things that might happen. From amounting lies, supersistions, myths, legends, promises, swears and even the truths. Nothing is what it seems. The very truth you see before you, could be a lie that kills you. The very hope that you dream for and work so hard to achieve, could be destroyed in a split second. The very person you trust and love, could be the very person who stabs you. You never know.

This very entry might somehow influence and manipulate your mind, your thinking and perspective. It could either have enlightened your or somehow ruined your dreams. It could have done anything. What is does is exactly what you want your life to be, what you gear your life towards. What YOU want in life.

xoxo

2007-12-20T23:49:00.000-08:00

had a great time with shoe. we went to have lunch at FISH AND CO. near PS. wahaha.. had a hard time trying to finish the food though. after that we walked at the ISTANA park.. aww. the scenery was gorgeous.. and the we watched ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUKS.. they were soooo cute.. haha..

It was a decision so hard to make...
As much as I wanted to stay,
As much as I never wanted to leave,
I just had to do it...
Before I fall any deeper,
Before you hurt her,
it's best I walk away...

To you. My friend.

I know the truth, and so do you. I know you. You're nothing of that sort, yet you've become one. I thought we were friends. I could trust you with everything. And I knew you trusted me. I felt safe. Has that security blanket of friendship torn apart? I never knew much about the laws of physics, but maybe time has created friction. Have we fell out just because of because? But these would never explain the stint. It comes in the morally greyest part of anything, but just because you can doesn't means you should. Does it? have you lost your way? Or did you choose your way? I am concerned, naturally and honestly. Usually I'd be so happy to see you. Most of my awesome times had you in the picture. But I must say, I was extremely shocked to see you then. You know what you've done, and I fear what I do not know. But nonetheless, a friendship promise is a promise. I'm never going to renege on you. But please.

We're still friends, aren't we?

You keep your phone off. You never reply my messages. This is the only outlet that I hope to reach you. Please.

I fear the worst, yet I hope for the best. Pray for the best. Pray for you.

Oh dearest God. Help.

heyy.. im back...

2007-12-20T23:36:00.000-08:00

wahhh... bali is such a nice place to have a holday and also to SHOP SHOP SHOP!!! the things there were on sale and they were super cheap... though it was raining quite abit, still lots of shopping and geting caught in the rain was done.. haha.. sooo cool... arrived on 17th at around 10 plus and daddy was waiting at the hotel lobby.. miss him!! haha.. and then we put our bags and went to hard rock cafe.. wahh.. the band was soo cool.. SILUET BAND ROCKS! reached back to the room at around 1 plus, washed up and sleep.. zzzz... the next morning, went for a ride around bali. first i think we went to UBUD market.. wahh..the place sux when it rains.. haha.. in the evening, went to this new shopping centre at DISCOVERY.. and gess what!! RIPCURL was having 50-75% sale.. wahaha.. happiest day! haha.. bought nice nice jeans for only 8 bucks la! haha.. SHOPPING and taking pictures sums up my whole trip there.. the trip was also a meaningful one cuz it helped me to forget and let go of the past.. im now ack on track... lets leave it to past tense.. its too late to apologise... wee! cant wait for term to start.. misss my friends and i miss the school!! haha.. kinda lazy to put up the pics now.. maybe later.. :)

zoom zoom away...

2007-12-13T20:23:00.000-08:00

Almost half of the december holidays are gone. its been raining pretty heavily lately and many many sad things have been happening.. 2007 is almost ending and the start of 2008 is approaching just around the corner.. First things first.. i think its about time to zoom zoom away the past.. *it will continue to hurt if it remains in my heart and mind.. let it be just a memory.. a memory that no one will be able to take away from me. a memory unspoken off...only then will 2008 be a great year..* smiles.. it takes great courage and strength to take this step.. but it has to be taken,no choice.im sorry.. i dun wish to be accused,doubted and hurt anymore. have it your way. u promised NO REGRETS..

every time i think of you
i get a shock right through into a bolt of blue
it's no problem of mine but it's a problem i find
living a life that i can't leave behind
there's no sense in telling me
the wisdom of a fool won't set you free
but that's the way that it goes
and it's what nobody knows
and every day my confusion grows

every time i see you falling
i get down on my knees and pray
i'm waiting for that final moment
you'll say the words that i can't say

i feel fine and i feel good
i feel like i never should
whenever i get this way, i just don't know what to say
why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

i'm not sure what this could mean
i don't think you're what you seem
i do admit to myself
that if i hurt someone else
then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

-Fresh Beginning-